Dear Mum, I'm sad on my trip of a lifetime.

This is an actual email I sent to my Mum this morning. I guess this is the honest side of my adventure.

Hey Mum,

I wish I knew why I seem so 'not myself' to you. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I'm "very tired and a little lost". I think because it's "Seamus & Carol" I feel a bit like a third wheel. Not in the bad way, just that there's nobody here who is just for me. A friend or anything.

I don't think I'm homesick because like you've said before, I just didn't have much in Australia keeping me there. I mean, I miss certain people of course, but not "home" so much. Home isn't even there anymore. That was demolished during my first week of being here. I even managed to have a moment about that.

But I am having fun. I've been to a Liverpool game. I've been to Tower of London and London Dungeon. And I've reminisced about our adventures. Remember how we found London Dungeon to begin with? That was so much fun and a story I love telling. Last night we went to see Rhod Gilbert, a comedian & I laughed so much.

I've made a friend, I know I've told you about him, & he texts me every day so I don't feel so alone sometimes. And if I do, I can talk to him about it. He was really good to me last week. Texted me for hours telling me everything would be ok. Said I could call him - but I wouldn't because I was crying. He made sure I was ok. Walking into the pub the day we met him was the best decision I've made since being here, I think.

I know that makes it sound terrible. Sometimes it all gets too much. It does. I admit that. But I'm ok. It's also hard because like last night, Tuesday night, I said good night to Seamus & Carol. I said "Good night, see you... err..." And we figured out I won't see Seamus until Friday and Carol until Saturday. That's how I live. So even though I live with Seamus & Carol, I get really lonely.

I don't think I've made you feel any better about me writing this email. But I just want you to know I am ok. I am having a blast and I'm starting to make friends - with people from work and strangers from Twitter. It's the twentieth century! Or the twenty-first...? I can never remember.

I'm going to make a list of things I want to do on my days off so I have things to look forward to. I can wake up, look at my list and say "What am I going to do today?" And I think I'm going to ask work if I can drop back to four days a week. Four nine hour shifts is still 36 hours a week, so I can still have my pocket money working those hours. At this rate, I'm earning money with no time to spend it, which is great for my bank balance but bad for my sanity! :P

Anyway, I love you lots and I'll talk to you soon. Sorry I wasn't able to talk yesterday morning. I was off to work...

Love, Sammy Seal

xx

At the Natural History Museum! Dinosaurs! 

Traitors' Gate!
Tower of London: My favourite place in London! 

Shooting stuff. 11 out of 12 stuffs! 

You'll never walk alone!
At a Liverpool game! 

Wembley Stadium for England v Ukraine!
My two best guy friends have gone now... :( 

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions:

• Have you ever been sad when you're meant to be happy? 
• Have you ever had people sense you're not OK when you yourself can't even verbalise why you're not OK?

Just because...

Because I am tired.

Because every day I live is a hellish nightmare full of constant thoughts of death.

Because, believe it or not, sometimes it sucks to have everyone think you're wonderful.

Because if people expected nothing from me, anything I gave would be good enough.

Because I am so terrible at the art of self-soothing.

Because I'm not perfect but it's not for lack of trying.

Because just knowing the words to 'Defying Gravity' doesn't mean I can sing it.

Because I can't turn off my emotions.

Because if I drag my own sunshine out of my life, it is so exhausting trying to light it back up.

Because I enjoy attention, just like most people, but I feel like I am hated for it.

Because I am always there for everybody and I genuinely care.

Because when someone is there for me, I have trouble believing they genuinely care.

Because I am my own worst enemy.

Because my paranoia is exhausting.

Because I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.

Because my own thoughts and emotions contradict themselves.

Because my hands are always cold.

Because there are days when I hate myself.

Because there are days when I despise myself.

Because there are days when I loathe myself.

Because I can try to walk through a door and end up walking into a wall.

Because the touch of someone I love can burn like 1,000 fires.

Because my heart can't decide what it wants and yet it wants whatever that is so badly it hurts.

Because no matter how hard I try, I just can't cook.

Because my anger is intense, irrational and fleeting but by the time it passes, my pride is too stubborn to let it go.

Because people think I'm so good and sweet that I am not allowed to have moments of self-pitying.

Because sometimes I want to cut my own heart out and just hand it over to people who think I don't feel how they hurt it anyway.

Because I think every bit of pain, misery and suffering is my fault and if I can't determine how I caused it, then I blame myself for being so selfish.

Because being bullied has made me so insecure and I end up second guessing myself constantly.

Because I can't take a compliment truly to heart as I am always sure there are ulterior motives.

Because there are times when I feel like a human punchline.

Because I've been lied to and treated like I don't matter.

Because sometimes I can't handle the truth.

Because sometimes I really don't matter.

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions:

• Do you ever have days like these? Have a rant! Share what it is that makes you sad... Real, imaginary, stupid, legitimate... go for it!