Thanatophobia infographic

In 2010, I created a Facebook support group for sufferers of thanatophobia (the fear of death). Managing this account can at times be stressful and difficult, but it is always rewarding - especially when someone tells me how much the group I created helped them.

A lot of questions get asked by newcomers to the group, as they struggle to learn if they are alone in the way they feel. With that in mind, I created a survey for members of the thanatophobia support group to take.

When more than 100 people responded, the only way to extract the complete data set was to pay, but the lovely members of the support group chipped in to raise the money to access the survey responses.

I have interrogated that data and designed this infographic to display, at a glance, some key facts about thanatophobia.

As I work in data analysis, I believe all of these results to be statistically significant, with the caveat that it is true of people who admit their phobia and seek help on the internet / Facebook.

For a high-quality version of this infographic, please follow this link: http://imgur.com/zDjCTjQ

Please note: You must credit SAMawdsley.blogspot.com if you reproduce this infographic.

Miss SAMawdsley xx

What mental illness feels like ...for me

Not everyone knows what it feels like to be mentally ill. And no two mentally ill people feel exactly the same.

But to me? Mental illness feels like...

... looking in the mirror and seeing the worst person in the world - and that's a secret you desperately need to hide from everyone.

... you understand the awful subtext behind everything people say - but then being told you don't. And you don't know whether people are just denying it, or it's really the truth.

... you always need to prove that you are worthy - of your job, of your friends, of your partner, of your family, of... well, existing.

... everyone in the world has your problems too, but they are just dealing with them a lot better than you are.

... you are listening to constructive criticism, but only hearing "you are shit. Like, you are really shit. I'm trying to say this as nicely as I can, so pay attention: You. Are. Shit."

... you just want to rant, and rave, and scream, and cry, and tell somebody all your problems. But then you don't want them to be burdened by your problems, or worse - to think less of you. 

... you're absolutely exhausted from being mentally ill, that even getting out of bed is a massive achievement. But of course you can't celebrate that because everyone gets out of bed every damn day.

... you know people care as such, but they don't want to hear about your petty issues. Not really.

... when you speak, you need to finish speaking as quickly as possible because everyone is just bored of what you're saying and you don't have anything of value to contribute anyway.

... people will only like you if you take medication, because the real you is not good enough.

... everyone thinks you're pretending, or "milking it".

... successes are accidents, circumstantial, easy for everyone to achieve, or not even noteworthy.

... your body is so tired at the end of the day, but your mind needs to go over every detail of the day, the week, the month, the year, every year since you born, before you can finally sleep from sheer exhaustion.

... you try so hard not to get sick, but your body just fails you. But it fails you so often that you're sure that people think you're just faking.

... you don't know if your feelings are real or if you're just "over-reacting because she's mentally ill" or "just sensitive because she has anxiety issues".

... you've told your story so many times that it's just boring to everyone - but you don't have any other story to tell.

... every problem that anybody has is your fault. And if you can't think why it's your fault, then it's because you are so selfish that you didn't even notice you were ruining someone's life.

... people are only your friend because they feel sorry for you.

... you're just waiting for your workplace to figure out you're completely incompetent, so you try really hard to not appear utterly useless.

... you've figured out what people don't like about you, so you try extra hard to not be those things - and instead come off as annoying in a different way.

... every time you're not invited somewhere it's because you are not wanted, or not really a friend. Because if you were - you'd have been asked, right?

... people only invite you to things because they feel sorry for you, or out of social obligation - so you say no so that you don't burden them with your presence.

... you are constantly on the verge of a major catastrophe, and that you need to constantly be prepared for it, but you don't know what it actually is, or when it is actually coming.

... you get that the people you love (and who truly do love you back) don't want you to die. But if you did, while it would hurt initially, eventually they would realise they are in fact better off without you in their life.

... if you don't commit suicide, then you're not that mentally ill.

I searched for an image that represented how I feel, but ultimately it was this image, from the first line of Google image search results for the words "mental illness" that spoke to me the most.

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Please note: This is not a plea for help. Ultimately, I am currently undergoing treatment on the NHS. I am technically classified as disabled, but I work full-time and lead what I like to think is a fun and productive life. This is just putting the figurative pen to paper on what being mentally ill feels like to me.

For clarity, I have been clinically diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, depression, complex post traumatic stress disorder, and thanatophobia.

• What does mental illness feel like to you?
• If you've never been mentally ill, can you imagine how it might feel?

Thanatophobia - Homophobia - Racism

This part is a bit medically but please read it anyway.

"A phobia (from the Greek: φόβος, Phóbos, meaning "fear" or "morbid fear") is, when used in the context of clinical psychology, a type of anxiety disorder, usually defined as a persistent fear of an object or situation in which the sufferer commits to great lengths in avoiding, typically disproportional to the actual danger posed, often being recognized as irrational. In the event the phobia cannot be avoided entirely the sufferer will endure the situation or object with marked distress and significant interference in social or occupational activities."

I have something called thanatophobia.

Thanatos = Death

Phobia = Fear

Death Fear! Yes, I am terrified beyond all comprehension of dying. I have panic attacks, I take anti-anxiety medication and I have seen a psychologist and a psychiatrist in an attempt to control my phobia. You keeping up with me so far? 

Now, there are people in the world who have something called homophobia.

Homo = Same

Phobia = Fear

Same Fear! This is the fear of homosexuals (LGBTs) - people who are sexually attracted to people of the same sex. These homophobes have panic attacks, take anti-anxety medication and see psychologists and psychiatrists in an attempt to control their phobia.

Oh, wait. No they don't. Because homophobia has never been listed as part of a clinical taxonomy of phobias. Homophobia has never been listed in any Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) or International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD). Why not? It's not because it's a medical oversight. It's because homophobes don't have a legitimate fear.

Homophobes have a hatred of LGBTs. They harbour contempt for LGBTs. They are prejudiced towards LGBTs. They avoid LGBTs. But it is not a phobia. It's an -ism.

An -ism indicates a belief or principle. You know, like racism.

Racists follow practices that discriminate against members of particular racial groups, for example by perpetuating unequal access to resources between groups.

Doesn't that sound suspiciously like the way 'homophobes' treat members of the LGBT community?

Homphobes believe that LGBTs are lesser people, broken people, evil people - whatever it is they have decided about every LGBT on the planet - but they do not fear them. Not like I fear death. One is an anxiety-based phobia. One is a prejudiced opinion.

Now please be aware this idea was not borne as a reaction from someone who has a legitimate clinical phobia and is trying to 'claim' the word phobia. I use my fear merely as a personal base comparison point. No, this idea comes from the opinion that the word phobia negates some of the responsibility for homophobic attitudes and beliefs.

I don't want to be thanatophobic anymore. I'm trying really hard to not be. Nobody who has a phobia wants to be so irrationally afraid of their particular trigger. But people who are 'homophobic' do have a choice. They can stop discriminating against people who are different in one minor way. They can realise that the minor way in which they do differ from the LGBT community is insignificant. It doesn't matter to them or their life if there is a man somewhere who is perfectly happy being in love with another man.

And if these people refuse to change their bigoted ways, than we should call them what they are. 

Homoist.

And I have freckles so STFU!

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions:

• Do you believe 'homophobia' is an outdated word?
• Do you think changing the word would make any difference?

Panic attacks & thanatophobia

Imagine you know for certain that tomorrow you will die. There is not a thing you can do about it, tomorrow will be your last day on earth and tonight will be your last night. How would you feel? I can’t imagine many people, if any, would answer with anything that isn't fear, frustration, anger, confusion or sheer panic. Well I don't know for sure that I will die tomorrow. But what I do know for sure is that there will come a night that will be my last. Following that last night will be my final day on earth. It may not be tomorrow, it may not be the next day. It may not even be for the next 50 years, I don't know. But it will come.

I guess the best way to sum up my thanatophobia is to explain the feeling you would probably be overcome by, knowing you are about to die, is how I feel almost all the time. It is a constant state of fear, of worry, of anxiety. Sometimes the sheer desperation of the situation, the situation that everyone who is born must inevitably face, manifests in what I am forced to call a panic attack.

Panic attacks are defined as "episodes of intense fear or apprehension that are of sudden onset and of relatively brief duration." To clearly define a panic attack, many specialists believe that at least four of the following symptoms should be experienced:

• Clear intense panic
• Palpitations, or accelerated heart rate
• Sweating
• Trembling or shaking
• Muscle tension
• Blurry vision
• Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
• Feeling of choking
• Feeling waves of being flushed
• Chest pain or discomfort
• Nausea or abdominal distress
• Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
• Derealisation (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
• Fear of losing control or going insane
• Fear of dying
• Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
• Chills or hot flashes
• Weakness in the knees
• Confusion
• Tunnel vision
• Blank mind
• Sensing time going by very slowly
• Feeling the need to escape
• Feeling of warmth inside, expanding from within
• Head pressure, unlike headache

In my moments of thanatophobia-induced panic, I have at some point, experienced all of these symptoms and consistently experience 15 of the 25 symptoms. However (and this is very much a point of interest to my psychologist and my psychiatrist) the most glaringly obvious sign of my panic and distress that he hasn't heard of before is my uncontrollable, piercing and blood-curdling screams. I actually reach a state of such frenzy and desperation that I scream, so long and so loudly I often lose my voice for up to four days.

The sound of my screams, usually somewhere between 1am and 4am, would wake my father up with a chilling fright. He has often marvelled that our neighbours have never called the police to report a potential crime. He's explained this as being due to us living on acreage or thanks to the Genovese Syndrome, the bystander effect where witnesses often tend to believe someone else will help. It is because of this that I even found myself in the uncomfortable situation of explaining to my new neighbours, who shared apartment walls with me in my new unit block, that if they were woken by my late night screaming I was simply having a panic attack. I actually had to promise my neighbours that if I was ever in danger I would scream real words such as, "help me, please!" so they would be able to assist me.

I don't remember much about these intense screaming panic attacks. My psychologist is even wary of calling them that, but I have no other word for them. I've been told I scream 'What if I'm wrong?' This alludes to my Buddhist beliefs but obviously, if I am wrong, what is there? Is there nothing? And that is ultimately my base fear. Ceasing to exist. And then I scream.

I do not have these panic attacks in daylight hours – although I have come dangerously close in cinemas. I do however have the traditional panic attacks. I will feel as if everything is closing in on me, the sheer inevitability and overwhelming desperation at my lack of control of death renders me unable to function. I will gasp for breath, my heart will race, I will sweat and I will need to call someone to talk. I often choke down the phone, “talk to me! About anything!” My network of friends and family know not to ask questions and to just start rambling about the first thing that comes to mind – their job, football scores, traffic, the weather, anything to distract my mind. I focus on their voice and their words until I feel it’s safe to open my mouth without a blood-curdling scream escaping.

Miss SAMawdsley xx


PS: For help with Thanatophobia, please join my Facebook support group: Thanatophobia / Fear of death

Questions:

• Have you ever had a panic attack?
• Have you ever perhaps lost control and started screaming?
• What are your thoughts on thanatophobia or anxiety?

He's coming for you, you know?

Yesterday I asked, are you afraid of dying? Interestingly, the response was less enthusiastic. Here are the responses I got.

Samantha: Love the blog hun! I have never been afraid of dying until recently. I'm a Christian and believe that I'll be going on to paradise. I don't know what it'll be like but i know it will be fab! I think it was a Jewish man that once said 'We have as much concept of the afterlife as an unborn baby does of the outside world' but that doesn't bother me. I don't fancy the idea of drowning but the actual moment of death i imagine to be very peaceful. HOWEVER... since having my baby boy I'm terrified of leaving him. I'm also scared that something could happen to me while my husband is at work and my baby would be screaming until he got home! It's amazing how having a child changes your outlook on life! X

Lee: I'm not afraid of dying, or death, but I do worry about those I would leave behind if I did pass on.

WWKnight: Im afraid of living an insignificant life, and thus I am afraid of dying without having achieved anything. But I am not actually afraid of the dying itself.

Karen: No I am only afraid of the way I will die as long as it is painless and with dignity I have seen so many deaths in my life and know how horrible death can be so I am hoping i go quickly and in my sleep. I also would rather die than live with dementia or alzheimers disease. 

@paolavanessa: I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid of dying too soon.

Anonymous: As terrified as I am of public speaking, I would choose that over the coffin only because the thought of my kids without me breaks my heart.

The following conversation also took place on my blog...

Anonymous: Death doesn't worry me - why spend your life worrying about death. I don't believe in after life's, heaven and pet cementaries so there isn't motivation to end up in the fluffy clouds or worry about burning my toast in hell. Death isn't something I contemplate or consider the ramifications of. Those who fear death - in what way does this fear impact on your living? 

Samantha: I am afraid of death. Well, I am afraid of ceasing to exist. The impacts for me are huge. I have suffered panic attacks since I was 11 and have been in and out of therapy since then. Nothing has helped. Most recently, I was in hospital with a burn and while on pain killers, lost complete control and started screaming, I mean really hysterically screaming because I thought about the fact I am going to die. So it definitely impacts on my living. 

Anonymous: yeah, death itself doesnt phase me, I wont know about it when I'm gone. Losing someone else close (children, husband etc, not parents cos I see that as the natural order of things)and experiencing that pain again is enough to put me into a state of manic terror.

Samantha: "I won't know about it when  'I'm gone". It is exactly that thought that terrifies to the point that I can't breathe... Literally being unable to think, feel, love... oh God... :( 

I also posted a poll on Facebook asking if respondents were afraid of dying. My boyfriend & another friend responded. That is it. And they both said no. So what am I to gather from this response? I may just be inferring but from what I am lead to believe, most great scientific discoveries started out as mere hypotheses. I wonder if maybe people are more willing to talk about other fears. Other fears like heights, spiders, snakes and insects can be avoided. Theoretically, you could survive the rest of your life without ever climbing a ladder again. If you were lucky enough, maybe, just maybe, you would never have to come across another spider ever again. But death? I could live for another week and die or I could live for another 80 years and die. But whatever happens and however long it takes, I am going to die. You are going to die. Every single person you have ever known, or will ever know, is going to die.

He's coming for you, you know?

I know this is a morbid topic and people don't like to think about it. It is my belief that people without thanatophobia / fear of death are not void of a fear of dying. I believe they simply don't think about it.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Are YOU afraid of dying?

Yesterday I asked, what is your biggest phobia? Here are the answers I received on my Facebook.

Samantha Mawdsley: is doing a quick poll. Dear friends, what is your biggest fear/phobia? 

Nikki: Probably death, oh and spiders :-/

Sarah: Snakes and losing another baby/child.

Tea Man: Bears that can roller blade

Robert: that this is all i shall be

Matthew: Quick spontaneous Polls....

Matthew: Agggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Nikki: Good point Sarah, ill add losing someone you love to my list!

Simon: Buried alive...

Brad: Not finding out who Ted marries

Nikki: haaaaaave you met Ted?

Mandy: Geckos and heights...in that order!

Karen: Spiders and snakes in no particular order

Samantha: Phobia of posting letters (?!) and fear of something happening to my baby

Kimberley: Entomophobia (fear of insects). Especially when the damn things are within breathing space of me

Rebecca: my parents dying. .

Sharyn: That all my kiddies will forget me (including the adopted ones)

David: Stagnation, irrelevancy, spiders.

Kate: the dark, losing the people close to me and the future

Twitter gave me the following responses.

@iVerbalise: #foreveralone

@lycanlife: People knowing my fears & taking advantage of them.

This quick poll taught me a few things. Firstly, I have some funny, funny friends. Matt & Brad crack me up! Also, some people don't take fear and phobias seriously. This is something I have learned already. Few people understand my fears and while I admit my story about why I'm scared of flying is quite amusing, my resulting fear is not a laughing matter. I am terrified.

Interestingly, spiders pretty much top the list, closely followed by snakes. Many of the things on this list can kill you - with the obvious exceptions of geckos and posting letters. The other common fears also relate to death. There are six responses directly involving death but only one person actually lists death as their biggest fear. If I am to believe my unprofessional and pretty non-scientific poll, one in 19 people is actually afraid of dying? This brings me to my next question and this is going to be hard for me, but in the interests of "scientific" research, I need to ask. Please comment and share your thoughts and feelings on the subject.

Are you afraid of dying?

Miss SAMawdsley xx

PS: I once heard that more people are afraid of public speaking than dying. Which means that at a funeral, most people would rather be in the coffin than giving the eulogy...

Where would you rather be?

* * * * * More to come tomorrow * * * * *

What are YOU afraid of?

What is your biggest fear? Apparently around one in ten people suffer from a phobia and the most common are

1. Arachnophobia (The fear of spiders)

This phobia tends to affect women more than men.

2. Ophidiophobia (The fear of snakes)

Often attributed to evolutionary causes, personal experiences, or cultural influences.

3. Acrophobia (The fear of heights)

This fear can lead to anxiety attacks and avoidance of high places.

4. Agoraphobia (The fear of situations in which escape is difficult)

This may include crowded areas, open spaces, or situations that are likely to trigger a panic attack. People will begin avoiding these trigger events, sometimes to the point that they cease leaving their home.

Approximately one third of people with panic disorder develop agoraphobia.

5. Cynophobia (The fear of dogs)

This phobia is often associated with specific personal experiences, such as being bitten by a dog during childhood.

6. Astraphobia (The fear of thunder and lightening)

Also known as Brontophobia, Tonitrophobia, or Ceraunophobia.

7. Trypanophobia (The fear of injections)

Like many phobias, this fear often goes untreated because people avoid the triggering object and situation.

8. Social Phobias (The fear of social situations)

In many cases, these phobias can become so severe that people avoid events, places, and people that are likely to trigger an anxiety attack.

9. Pteromerhanophobia (The fear of flying)

Often treated using exposure therapy, in which the client is gradually and progressively introduced to flying.

10. Mysophobia (The fear of germs or dirt)

May be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Of those, I fully understand being terrified of spiders and flying. I have always been scared of spiders. They're hairy, they run too fast, they are there on the wall when you least expect it, they have far too many legs and they just generally creep me out!! This is a fear I guess I was born with. It's also the most common fear.

Flying however, that's an acquired fear. Prior to developing my fear, I had flown to Adelaide and back and made the following journey: Brisbane - Cairns - Hong Kong - London - Trevisio - London - Shannon - London - Hong Kong - Brisbane. The day prior to developing my fear of flying, I had flown from Brisbane to Seoul and was somewhere in the air over an ocean on my way to London when it happened. To sum up the story, I heard the captain tell the entire cabin we were having "technical difficulties" and "were going to descend". As I mentioned, this was somewhere over an ocean (I suck at geography and can't be bothered looking at a map to figure out which one) so I panicked. They don't call it "The Miracle on the Hudson" because it's easy to land on water! So I told the English girls behind me we were going to die, panicked a lot and then, after every TV on the plane simultaneously went blank, I demanded an air hostess tell me what was going on. Turns out the technical difficulties requiring we "descend" were the TVs having trouble and we were actually going to "reset". Embarrassingly, I knew this as I was the one who'd complained about the TVs to begin with... But, the damage had been done and after fully believing I was going to die on this God-forsaken hunk of metal hurtling through the sky... I've avoided flying ever since!

So tell me, what is YOUR biggest phobia?

Miss SAMawdsley xx

* * * * * Click to see the responses * * * * *