Saturday, 25 August 2012

Saying goodbye.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
I leave for the UK in barely over a week. I will be gone for at least four months. So I have to say goodbye to a number of people. But goodbye seems so final, so inflexible. So one thing I make a point of when bidding farewell to people I know and love is to always say "see you later." If you know me in real life, it might be something you've noticed. And if you haven't, you probably will now.

I do this because I need that person to know I want to see them again. It is more a promise than anything else. Maybe a request or even a demand. And I do this fully expecting to actually see that person again.

I have said 'goodbye' twice, knowing full well it would be the last time I saw that person. They knew it too. One was my 80+ grandfather. The other was a two and a half day old baby. There was tears, heartache and a most surreal type of grief. It is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone, though I know it to be a stark reality of life.

But how do you word your goodbye when there is hope but you still know it may very well be the last time you ever see that person?
"Fare thee well! and if for ever,
Still for ever, fare thee well."
~Lord Byron
Tomorrow, I have to say goodbye to someone I know and have come to love and expect to be in my life. While I hope upon hope that it isn't the case, it is quite possible this person may pass away while I am overseas. I am devastated at the lack of support and hands on care I can offer. Together we fought this situation over the last year and we were told it was beat. And we rejoiced. But now, barely a week before I leave, we have been dealt the harshest of blows and the fight is back on. This time, with one less person to carry the burden.

A kind word and wishes for a speedy recovery mean a lot. Sitting by a hospital bed and being the smiling to face the greet the emergence from an anaesthesia means a lot more. I considered staying but it has been expressly forbade. Saying 'goodbye' is my only option.

But I've thought about it and I think the best thing I can do is to stay true to myself. Tomorrow I will say "see you later".

I request to see you later.
I demand to see you later.

I promise to see you later.

Miss SAMawdsley xx

  • Have you ever had to say 'goodbye'?


  1. I always falter on saying "good bye" too. I use the "see you later" thing, as well. I sometimes mean "bye", but for me, it doesn't mean "good bye" - it means "later". Alas, I do have a massive issue with parting from people I love for any period of time. I even stress when I leave the house so much, that my OCD goes into overdrive and it makes me check things double the amount of times the OCD normally makes me check things. I hate it. Always thinking about losing someone, or animals. When I was younger, I had trouble with my parents going out - I wanted to go with them, in case something happened. But, I never said it, I never showed it, and I stayed home if they wanted time away together for a trip to town or what-not. I was so obsessed with this thing, that when I was little I was so worried about losing them, that I asked them to stay awake in bed (in the next room over the hall) until I fell asleep. I was about 5-8 years old. When I moved to Sydney with J, all I did was worry about "is this the last time I see you, when you leave for work?". I'm sure this continual anxiety is the reason my relationships never work out. When my first love went to Denmark to play for the royal wedding tour in a concert band for a few months, I was stricken. I wouldn't let him go before he got on the plane.

    In January, as I hopped on the plane with Chino and Lucia in the luggage compartment, I had a very difficult time keeping it together. Not only was I concerned that the plane would crash and I'd lose my babies, or that they would have heart attacks and die of fear, that I was also putting them through an unmentionable hell (that only got worse when I got off the plane and saw them placed beside an engine. so angry about that) but I knew this was the last time I'd ever see J again as my flatmate and closest friend. I might see him again in the future, but by that stage he would probably barely even remember what it was like living together and being such good friends. He would probably have someone else he was sharing his life with. There would no longer be any "us", even if a definable "us" hadn't been possible since we had broken up. I was also concerned that I would never know what it was like to carry around Ralf and Derrin with J, and share that connection with him, through them. And I was upset because I was taking Chino and Lucia away from a man who loved them, like I did. This brought back all of those emotions, wow. :-( I did say goodbye, but it was because of all of those fears. I was saying goodbye to what we had known since late 2002 - some undefinable "us". During my first night, sleeping on the floor of my new bedroom, I couldn't help but think I'd made a massive mistake. The cats were scared - Chino didn't come out of his box from 7.30am until 8.30pm that night, and I missed J terribly. I spent almost ten years living with him.

    Even with all that, I think when you're either not sure, or very sure of what is going on, that making sure the person knows without a doubt that you love them is more important than saying good bye.

    1. Sorry, I made my reply about me!!! :-( I really hope they survive until well after you come back. Just let them know you care for them. Knowing that someone cares would be the most important thing.

    2. Not at all, sweetie! Blogging is for sharing! Share with me too, I love it! xx

  2. I'm so sorry. I am hopeful for the best outcome. x