Wednesday, 17 October 2012

Dear Mum, I'm sad on my trip of a lifetime.

This is an actual email I sent to my Mum this morning. I guess this is the honest side of my adventure.

Hey Mum,
I wish I knew why I seem so 'not myself' to you. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I'm "very tired and a little lost". I think because it's "Seamus & Carol" I feel a bit like a third wheel. Not in the bad way, just that there's nobody here who is just for me. A friend or anything.

I don't think I'm homesick because like you've said before, I just didn't have much in Australia keeping me there. I mean, I miss certain people of course, but not "home" so much. Home isn't even there anymore. That was demolished during my first week of being here. I even managed to have a moment about that.

But I am having fun. I've been to a Liverpool game. I've been to Tower of London and London Dungeon. And I've reminisced about our adventures. Remember how we found London Dungeon to begin with? That was so much fun and a story I love telling. Last night we went to see Rhod Gilbert, a comedian & I laughed so much.

I've made a friend, I know I've told you about him, & he texts me every day so I don't feel so alone sometimes. And if I do, I can talk to him about it. He was really good to me last week. Texted me for hours telling me everything would be ok. Said I could call him - but I wouldn't because I was crying. He made sure I was ok. Walking into the pub the day we met him was the best decision I've made since being here, I think.

I know that makes it sound terrible. Sometimes it all gets too much. It does. I admit that. But I'm ok. It's also hard because like last night, Tuesday night, I said good night to Seamus & Carol. I said "Good night, see you... err..." And we figured out I won't see Seamus until Friday and Carol until Saturday. That's how I live. So even though I live with Seamus & Carol, I get really lonely.

I don't think I've made you feel any better about me writing this email. But I just want you to know I am ok. I am having a blast and I'm starting to make friends - with people from work and strangers from Twitter. It's the twentieth century! Or the twenty-first...? I can never remember.

I'm going to make a list of things I want to do on my days off so I have things to look forward to. I can wake up, look at my list and say "What am I going to do today?" And I think I'm going to ask work if I can drop back to four days a week. Four nine hour shifts is still 36 hours a week, so I can still have my pocket money working those hours. At this rate, I'm earning money with no time to spend it, which is great for my bank balance but bad for my sanity! :P

Anyway, I love you lots and I'll talk to you soon. Sorry I wasn't able to talk yesterday morning. I was off to work...

Love, Sammy Seal

At the Natural History Museum! Dinosaurs! 

Traitors' Gate!
Tower of London: My favourite place in London! 

Shooting stuff. 11 out of 12 stuffs! 

You'll never walk alone!
At a Liverpool game! 

Wembley Stadium for England v Ukraine!
My two best guy friends have gone now... :( 

Miss SAMawdsley xx

  • Have you ever been sad when you're meant to be happy? 
  • Have you ever had people sense you're not OK when you yourself can't even verbalise why you're not OK?


  1. That feeling of homeless is awful. Im sorry that you feel that.

    1. I think that's got a lot to do with how I am feeling. I moved out of the home I lived in since I was 6 a week before I came to England. The first week I was here, I was sent a pic of where my house used to be. It's been demolished. It's not that I don't live there anymore, it doesn't exist. And I lived in a strange new house for a week & now I live in another new house. It's the house already established by my brother & his fiancee so it's not mine. I'm perfectly welcome, but it's not mine. I'm starting to make my room look like "my room" but it's a work in progress.
      Thanks for your kind words & I'm sorry you know it enough to sympathise!

  2. 1 - Yup
    2 - All the time, Others must see something I don't notice, aside the emo status'

  3. 1) yes, it happened to me on 2 vacation with my GF, outside I was bright but deep inside there was no light, deep gloom.

    2) People don't even understand when I'm joking or when I'm serious... imagine. I'm a book which is hard to decipher; neither my GF can tell when I'm not OK.

    1. I have that. My sarcasm is as deadpan as my sadness. So people genuinely can't tell if I'm serious or not.
      Sorry to hear about your vacation too. I hope you had a good time anyway!

  4. Funnily enough, in so many, many ways I wish I were more like you. You seem to be the antithesis of me in a lot of ways - but I'm the bad one. And not good enough for friends to care about. I'm not jealous of you, because that indicates a bitchiness on my part that I do not feel for you. I adore you for the unique, lovely, intelligent, beautiful, brave, funny, dinosaur-loving girl that you are. I am, I guess, jealous of the friends you have around you, the friends you sms and tweet, etc. But that is only because your light can bring a smile to the face of even someone in despair. I've always wanted to be special to people, but no matter how much I give. Anyway, In some morbid fashion, his was supposed to make you feel better. I'm not really good at that. Jaz'hiaran.

    1. "but no matter how much I give, people only hate me more."