Because I am tired.
Because every day I live is a hellish nightmare full of constant thoughts of death.
Because, believe it or not, sometimes it sucks to have everyone think you're wonderful.
Because if people expected nothing from me, anything I gave would be good enough.
Because I am so terrible at the art of self-soothing.
Because I'm not perfect but it's not for lack of trying.
Because just knowing the words to 'Defying Gravity' doesn't mean I can sing it.
Because I can't turn off my emotions.
Because if I drag my own sunshine out of my life, it is so exhausting trying to light it back up.
Because I enjoy attention, just like most people, but I feel like I am hated for it.
Because I am always there for everybody and I genuinely care.
Because when someone is there for me, I have trouble believing they genuinely care.
Because I am my own worst enemy.
Because my paranoia is exhausting.
Because I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
Because my own thoughts and emotions contradict themselves.
Because my hands are always cold.
Because there are days when I hate myself.
Because there are days when I despise myself.
Because there are days when I loathe myself.
Because I can try to walk through a door and end up walking into a wall.
Because the touch of someone I love can burn like 1,000 fires.
Because my heart can't decide what it wants and yet it wants whatever that is so badly it hurts.
Because no matter how hard I try, I just can't cook.
Because my anger is intense, irrational and fleeting but by the time it passes, my pride is too stubborn to let it go.
Because people think I'm so good and sweet that I am not allowed to have moments of self-pitying.
Because sometimes I want to cut my own heart out and just hand it over to people who think I don't feel how they hurt it anyway.
Because I think every bit of pain, misery and suffering is my fault and if I can't determine how I caused it, then I blame myself for being so selfish.
Because being bullied has made me so insecure and I end up second guessing myself constantly.
Because I can't take a compliment truly to heart as I am always sure there are ulterior motives.
Because there are times when I feel like a human punchline.
Because I've been lied to and treated like I don't matter.
Because sometimes I can't handle the truth.
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| Because sometimes I really don't matter. |
Miss SAMawdsley xx
Questions:
- Do you ever have days like these? Have a rant! Share what it is that makes you sad... Real, imaginary, stupid, legitimate... go for it!
