Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Just because...

Because I am tired.
Because every day I live is a hellish nightmare full of constant thoughts of death.
Because, believe it or not, sometimes it sucks to have everyone think you're wonderful.
Because if people expected nothing from me, anything I gave would be good enough.
Because I am so terrible at the art of self-soothing.
Because I'm not perfect but it's not for lack of trying.
Because just knowing the words to 'Defying Gravity' doesn't mean I can sing it.
Because I can't turn off my emotions.
Because if I drag my own sunshine out of my life, it is so exhausting trying to light it back up.
Because I enjoy attention, just like most people, but I feel like I am hated for it.
Because I am always there for everybody and I genuinely care.
Because when someone is there for me, I have trouble believing they genuinely care.
Because I am my own worst enemy.
Because my paranoia is exhausting.
Because I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.
Because my own thoughts and emotions contradict themselves.
Because my hands are always cold.
Because there are days when I hate myself.
Because there are days when I despise myself.
Because there are days when I loathe myself.
Because I can try to walk through a door and end up walking into a wall.
Because the touch of someone I love can burn like 1,000 fires.
Because my heart can't decide what it wants and yet it wants whatever that is so badly it hurts.
Because no matter how hard I try, I just can't cook.
Because my anger is intense, irrational and fleeting but by the time it passes, my pride is too stubborn to let it go.
Because people think I'm so good and sweet that I am not allowed to have moments of self-pitying.
Because sometimes I want to cut my own heart out and just hand it over to people who think I don't feel how they hurt it anyway.
Because I think every bit of pain, misery and suffering is my fault and if I can't determine how I caused it, then I blame myself for being so selfish.
Because being bullied has made me so insecure and I end up second guessing myself constantly.
Because I can't take a compliment truly to heart as I am always sure there are ulterior motives.
Because there are times when I feel like a human punchline.

Because I've been lied to and treated like I don't matter.
Because sometimes I can't handle the truth.
Because sometimes I really don't matter.
Miss SAMawdsley xx


  • Do you ever have days like these? Have a rant! Share what it is that makes you sad... Real, imaginary, stupid, legitimate... go for it!


  1. finally read your blog :)

    1. And it was this pity-parade? Fantastic... :P Thanks for reading! xx

  2. Everybody has days like that lovely - the truth is that the way others percieve you is probably far more accurate than the way you view yourself (and I'm talkimg about the good stuff here, the negetive stuff is mostly your perception of how you think they feel).

    Perfection is impossible to achieve - all you can do it be the best you can be - it IS good enough! x

  3. "Do you ever have days like these?"
    Yes sure. Going through one of them. Reason?
    Stuck in a damn routine where I shall fix things for others, any kind of things - from laptops to messy situation no-one wants to deal with.
    I'm so haunted by the idea of death of anything around me (myself included). Haunted at the point that I've saved money, just in case... and I feel sorry about that. 50% of the dreams I remember are about death, remaining 50% is equally shared by everyday life, sex, bad accidents, exams, stuff that doesn't make any sense but once you wake up, you feel really gloomy.

    Sometimes I miss what people is saying to me because I'm imagining dangerous things to happens e.g. I'm driving the car and I imagine what will happens if the front right tyre blows; Walking nearby a traffic light and minding the lights... to fall; etc. Silly things that constantly run in my heads, at the point I fear that I'm being labelled as dumb.

    Perhaps I'm dumb, still trying to finish University, while studying during spare time between work, and other work which is not mine and I'll do to help others. Then at the end of the day me and my sad thoughts... which I try to avoid working on something (photography, graphics, anything) until I'm too tired to keep my eyes open (4:00AM)... the fact I cannot change this routine is really tragicomic.

  4. Im stuck in a rut that I cannot get out of despite my every effort.

    Im 27 years old and I have accomplished zip in life that I am proud of, with the exception of my two children who call me Luke and the other guy Daddy.

    I am legitimately jealous of all my old high school friends (yourself included).

    My girlfriend treats me like crap, and yet she is the only thing in my life that I take joy from, so I am too afraid to do anything about it.

    I have week long headaches that are immune to the strongest drugs I can take (This is including my anti-depressants that zombify me).

    I lay awake in bed for 4 or 5 hours before sleeping. When I do finally sleep, its for about 30 minutes before I wake up.

    My brain doesnt stop talking to me. It never says anything worthwhile, Im not getting down on myself or anything like that, Im just trying really hard not to stop and realise how incredibly unhappy I should be.

    I want to contribute to society so much, I daydream about giant accidents so I can apply my First Aid skills.

    I live week to week, with no money spare to put away for bills. Shit will hit the fan VERY soon.

    1. yes, it will hit the fan, i have had it happen to me, once in year 12 when i ended up housebound and 40kgs, and recently, where i ended up tachychardic and in the ED after being taken out of uni on an ambulance stretcher, later followed up by talkings of severe depression (i really hate that word) and scoring really well on a test, sadly it was a mental health test and a high score isn't a good thing.
      sadly i have no advice, as i am unaware of what to do either, but the best i can say is, find something to immerse yourself in

    2. *hugs* One day at a time, dolls. One day at a time. Just put one foot in front of the other and if all else fails, for the love of all that is holy, Just Keep Breathing! xx

  5. damn straight i do!
    your honesty inspires me to be more honest myself, i hide behind cute puppy photos and random facebook statuses pretending that i am just fine and dandy
    thank you darling, you show me its okay to not be okay

    1. Of course it is OK not to be OK. I hope you truly recognise that and try to take steps towards feeling better. You know better than most what can happen if you carry on pretending for too long. Always here for you, I hope you know that. xx