Why isn't my life a romantic comedy?

I was raised by my dad and my brother so I've not really done many girly girl things. As the only female in the family, I kind of felt I needed to assimilate or die. So I am more comfortable driving a manual car than baking a cake. I've changed my own oil in my car but I have never changed a baby's nappy. I'm deadly accurate with a gun but I fail miserably at make up. These masculine tendencies extend to my film habits. I've honestly never seen 'Dirty Dancing' but I did cry at the end of 'Terminator 2: Judgement Day'. That pretty much sums up what I'm saying here.

I've never been one for romantic comedies. But now I have a sister (in-law) and I'm starting to feel a bit more at peace with the fact that I am a girl and it's ok to hope a man will sweep me off my feet, despite my awkward, unlucky-in-love nature. I'm allowed to think Vivian Ward (Pretty Woman) is just as awesome as John McClane (Die Hard). (But I will never, ever accept the message that Sandy Olsen sells females! Honestly, do women actually watch 'Grease' and realise how she gets the man in the end? By stultifying herself and smoking!)

Tonight my sister and I watched a movie called 'New in Town' starring the super gorgeous chick flick staple, Renée Zellweger. She moves to a new town for some work and some guy who she seems to fight with more than she flirts with ends up being the love of her life. And it got me thinking, why doesn't that happen to me?

I'm a waitress just like Julia Sullivan (The Wedding Singer) but no oddly handsome singer who lacks self-confidence but makes up for it with a guitar has ever serenaded me on a plane. A guy did write a song for me once. But he recorded it onto CD, with a piano-keyboard backing track and him playing guitar... It was called 'Fire' but I didn't really get the lyrics. It wasn't on a plane. And Billy Idol wasn't there.

In high school, I may not have worn glasses and a ponytail and had *gasp* paint on my overalls, like Laney Boggs (She's All That) but I did wear pigtails every day for a year and weird cartoon character socks. I also made my own jewellery out of wool and beads, which is kind of like making my own prom dress, à la Andy Walsh in Pretty in Pink. The dreamy quarterback never realised I was actually quirky and pretty with a beautiful soul... Maybe it's because I went to school in Australia and there was no quarterback (and I'm not sure I'd describe any guy I went to school with as 'dreamy' anyway.) Or maybe it's because my life isn't a romantic comedy.

I have been a journalist just like Rebecca Bloomwood (Confessions of a Shopaholic), Andie Anderson (How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days), Bridget Jones (Bridget Jones's Diary), Jenna Rink (Suddenly 30), Josie Geller (Never Been Kissed) and the poster girl for journalism and love, Carrie Bradshaw (Sex & The City). But I have not had even one date thanks to my journalism. Not one. Let alone met the love of my life in hilariously unlikely circumstances.

I currently have blue hair like Ramona Flowers (Scott Pilgrim vs. The World). It's not a stretch to compare my scooter to Ramona's rollerblades. I could probably even muster up seven exes, if I included high school and despite the fact that I did break up with most (if not all) of them, I don't think they'd fight some guy so he could prove his love for me. They've moved on. And in the interim, no adorably dorky geek has had a prophetic dream about the awesomeness that is me. Though honestly, I'd prefer if Young Neil fell in love with me anyway.

I'm comically accident-prone, just like Cam Wexler in 'Good Luck Chuck' but no gorgeous Dane Cook look-alike has ever suddenly declared me his one true love. Remember my most recent first non-date? If you've not read this post, you can't possibly understand just how unlucky and clumsy I really am. But rather than being endearingly cute and charming, I fear I am seen as a hazard and threat to life and limb.

Why, oh why can't my life be like a romantic comedy? My life can and does often resemble a comedy. Perhaps a comedy slash tragedy. But it's not romantic. There's no romantic comedy that my life mirrors or holds parallels with.

Oh, wait. Yes there is. 'He's Just Not That Into You'. And I'm Gigi.

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. 

But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. 

Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope."

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions:

• Does your life, or the life of someone you know, resemble a romantic comedy?
• If you're life was a movie, which one would it be?

I "haven't known love". Or so I'm told...

Please note: I absolutely do not intend to offend anyone with this post - just like I know nobody who made or posted the photo in this blog intended to offend anyone.

Please read this post in the spirit it was intended.

This image came up in my timeline. Just read it over.

How did that make you feel? Did you feel all warm & fuzzy, nodding your head enthusiastically? You either have a child or want children rather badly. Am I right? I don't know... Well for me, it makes me rather angry. I don't have children. I have no real desire to have children. And because I don't meet the criteria marked out by this Facebook picture then I haven't known love. I'm not exaggerating. That's what it says. Right there, "You haven't known love." Direct quote.

Well I don't know who originally wrote this (and for that matter, why they even felt the need) but I beg to differ!

I have counted the perfect little fingers and toes of my friend's baby - a baby I watched enter the world and who I shared in the grief with his parents as we held him as he died two days later. That's love.

I held the hand of my high school boyfriend and felt my heart beat so fast it nearly exploded out of my chest. That's love.

I kissed the nose of my puppy and felt her lick my cheek back. That's love.

I soothed the tummy of my uni boyfriend as he was very ill and I wished I could do something to take away his pain. That's love.

I have read my blog posts out to my dad while he sits quietly and we talk about all sorts of things - things that one day, I may never get to talk to him about anymore. That's love.

I have wiped the tears of my best friend as she dealt with pain, heartache and sorrow. That's love.

And I'm sorry but "powdering a little booty" is not high on my list of things to do.

So how dare the creator of this photo insinuate that I have not "known love" because I haven't spawned my own offspring? I have not experienced the love a parent feels for their child, it's true. But I have known love. I have loved deeply and I have loved passionately. But I don't feel the need to jam this down everybody's throat. Why do some parents?

Most of the girls on my Facebook have children. I get that. We're mostly around 26 so yeah, child bearing age. But I don't. And it's by choice. (Imagine how I would feel looking at this photo if it was not by choice? What if I desperately longed for a child but could not conceive?) I could have had a child if I wanted to. Once upon a time I had a long term boyfriend or a "partner" as you start calling your boyfriend when you want to be taken more seriously but aren't engaged or married. I even owned a house and bought Better Homes and Gardens magazines. We discussed it but I have never really felt the need to procreate.

Anyway, now I love my life. For me, it is damn near perfect just the way it is. In fact, to be totally honest, I am wary of talking too much about how much I love my life and about all the wonderful things that happen for fear of upsetting people who have lives that are different to mine (if that makes sense?) It's not that I think my life is the ultimate in perfection, but for me, it really is. And I am concious that I may have things others covet and I am not about to start gloating about that. I have a job that I love and am about to become a published author. I have the time to chill out and write my blog, play video games and was easily able to make the commitment to join an amazing football team. I sleep in every weekend. Sometimes I don't get out of bed until midday because I'm just laying around all cozy-like playing around on my iPad. And it's not a treat. It's just a Saturday. I drive a brand new car and yes, I am about to pack up and move to England for around four months because I have nothing tying me down. Now I didn't pick and choose what I mentioned then, I just listed the things in my life that make me happiest. But in all actuality, I couldn't really do any of them if I had a child. I just couldn't. And one of my favourite things about my life is I have no idea where I will be in a year's time. My future could bring anything and I have so much to look forward to! But does that mean I have not known love? Maternal love, no. I have not known that. But love is different to every person and every situation.

You know, I tried to find a photo to counter the one in this post. I actually tried really hard. I couldn't find one. (Unless you count Breeder Bingo!) Nobody has bothered to make an "I love my life as a single, childless woman" picture thing. I hope that's because they're too busy actually living the life they love and not because there aren't any happy, single, childless women. So I really have to wonder, why do these "I love being a mummy" pictures even exist? And in all different shapes and forms! Who is making them and why? And really, when people announce time and time again how much they love their life and their children it gets old and I'm sorry if this seems rude but I start to wonder, who are they trying to convince? Me? Or themselves?

I get that people love their children and in their words, they love them more than anything else in the world. And that's great. I am honestly happy for them. I truly hope they feel the same satisfaction and happiness with their lives as I do with mine. But how dare someone tell me I do not "know love" and insinuate that my life is anything less than perfect because I don't have children?

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions

• Do you have children or not? Are you happy with this decision?
• What would your ideal life be?
• Have I missed the point with these kinds of images?

"I believe anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them."

Don't shove me out of the nest!

"I'm 26 years old and I still live with my parent."

Saying that out loud sounds kind of dirty & shameful, doesn't it? When you think of people who live with their parents, the stereotype is typically an unemployed virgin with no friends. And they eventually become serial killers. If I look around at most other 26 year olds, they live in shared units with friends, in awesome apartments with their partners or they even own a house. But I'm not them. Well I have been pretty much all of those people at some time or another in my life (Wait! Except the unemployed virgin with no friends!) I moved out of home when I was 17 and four months old. And I moved 4 hours away by myself! I lived in a share house with five strangers but I quickly I moved in with a new boyfriend and stopped going back to my real home. That didn't go well and I moved back home with Dad after 18 months.

I was with my Big Bad ex for years while living at home and after a while it occurred to me that he lived with me. It was never really discussed or anything, but less of his stuff was going home and eventually he stopped going home too. After a while we decided to save up and buy our own house. So we did just that in May 2007.

Some people may be shocked to learn (or to remember) that I used to be a home owner. Yep. I used to buy Better Homes & Gardens magazines. Don't get me confused with someone else, I never cooked, I hated cleaning and I had a room that was just for unfolded laundry because the wardrobes sucked! But I had my own home and had even wondered if maybe the spare bedrooms might not be spare forever. Well they weren't because eventually we realised that while we could afford to stay in our house, we weren't going forward and we put the house up for rent. Big Bad Ex & I moved back in with Dad. In case you're wondering how a relationship fares when you move back in with parents, the answer is badly. It sucked as a couple. I like it because I'm happy at home but as a couple, not so much. I wouldn't say living with Dad was a contributing factor to why I broke up with him but it helped make me unhappy enough to realise I was wrong, he didn't really get me & I didn't want to be with him forever.

As I said, I was happy living with Dad but so was Big Bad Ex. He just... didn't... leave. So I did. I moved in with my cousin. It was the best year of my life to date. We had so much fun. We would go on late night coffee runs, hosted amazing parties, had the best set up of our stuff & had friends coming & going all the time. I learned a lot about who I am as a person while living in the unit. I became so much less angry (yes, I used to have a vicious and acerbic temper.) I learned to self soothe - a skill I never had until then. Like I said, best year of my life.

But like all good things, eventually it came to an end & in an effort to save money again, I moved back in with Dad (Big Bad Ex has finally moved on, though is still in regular contact with my dad). I've been here for eight months now. I'm happy here. It's just Dad & I. We share the cooking & cleaning - even though that mainly consists of heating canned soup & somebody doing the dishes. We play football together on Monday nights & he's my football coach. He plays on Wednesday nights so I get the house to myself. My friends are always welcome & they come around quite often.

Now I live rent free while I save up money for England. But I pay a big portion of the bills including the phone, internet, electricity and rates. Ok, maybe I pay most of the bills. But I don't pay rent & I definitely don't do my fair share of work around the house so I guess it all evens out in the end.

I don't see why society should look down on me for living at home. Is it the fact that I'm single that is the problem? Should I have settled for boyfriends that didn't make me as happy as I deserve to be and force myself to live with them? Should I waste my chance at a savings account so that I can live with strangers in a unit? Should I sacrifice my chance to live in England for a few months so I can instead do the exact same things I do in Australia but in a house that my dad doesn't live in? It all seems so pointless and I haven't heard any argument that makes me feel like I'm not making the best decision. So you know what? I don't care.

"I'm 26 years old and I still live with my parent."

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions:

• What do you think of people in their 20s & 30s who live with their parents?
• When did you move out of home and why?
• Have you ever moved back home and & how did it work out?

The "What if...?" game. It's a stupid game. Nobody wins.

Last night a thought occurred to me.

"All the amazing guys have girlfriends. All the amazing girls have boyfriends. I don't have a boyfriend so therefore, I am not one of the amazing girls."

It's as simple as 1 + 1 = 2. Now logically I know that to not be true because I know some amazing single girls and boys. But I wondered if other people think this sometimes too, so I posted it on Facebook. I was sure to clarify that I wasn't fishing for compliments, because I wasn't. I just needed to verbalise the bad thought.

But I woke up this morning to a message from a Facebook friend saying he thought I was a great catch. He wasn't trying to chat me up or anything - he is not single - he was just being honest with me. While it was sweet, it made me roll my eyes a bit because I had a crush on this guy when I was 15. (How lovely to know 10 years later, that I'm suddenly a great catch, right?) There was a while where my crush was intense and I really wished he would ask me out. He was probably the last crush I had like that before I grew up and realised that's not how life works. It's just not healthy to base your self-worth on if this one guy remembered your name or smiled at you in class. I still thought he was very good-looking and rather sweet to me (still do) but by senior school I was much happier in myself, more chilled out, fun and much more myself than I had ever been.

In senior school, this guy saw me one day and thought to himself, 'Wow. Samantha is a pretty awesome girl' and developed a crush on me. Let that in itself be a lesson to you girls reading this.

So it seems there was a period of time where we each liked the other person. He was someone I had spoken to a little bit so I personally felt we got along well and would probably have got along really well with if given the chance. And that's where my point lies. We were never given the chance. I wasn't the kind of girl to admit to a crush (other than to my closest girlfriends) and he wasn't the kind of guy to ask girls out much or do anything about liking a girl. So nothing ever happened. Until the conversation today, neither of us even knew the other had this stupid crush.

Ten years later we are where we are and that's OK. I'm not wishing things were different or anything. But I still can't help but play the "What if...?" game. What if we had of found out we had something cool in common and started talking as more than classmates? What if somebody other than my friends found out I had a crush on him and told him? What if he'd told one of his friends he thought I was actually pretty cool? What if either of us were the types of people to actually ask someone out?

Life: The game of 'what if...?'
Take a chance and roll the dice.

I'm happy with my life. That is not what this is about. When I'm not on crutches, it's filled with just the right amount of playing football, watching football, playing Xbox, hanging out with my amazing friends, spending wonderful days with a family I love and doing a job I am passionate about. I'm single, yes, but I am fine with that. It's taken a lot of time spent learning to love myself for me to get to the point that my last pash was over three months ago & I couldn't care less.

There are many situations I substitute when I play the "What if...?" game. For years after my parents divorced, it was "What if I had chosen to go to work with my Mum instead of choosing to go on the boat with my best friend?" For years I blamed my parents divorce on me choosing the former. So many things could have gone differently throughout my life and there were many things that could have lead to this guy and I actually developing some sort of relationship... but they didn't. And while that is perfectly fine, I still can't help but wonder... what if?

Miss SAMawdsley xx

Questions

• Do you ever play the "What if...?" game?
• What is your biggest "What if...?" scenario?

Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone...

*Note: Yes, I am single again. But I wrote this post about a year ago.

I am so sick of giving second chances to people who treat me badly. I’m like a candy striper wondering the halls with a basket full of second chances - but I’m handing them out to people who don’t deserve it. I am tired of forcing myself to be the bigger person & smiling when I know damn well the person before me has hurt me. It’s worse when I am still hurting.

You want me in my life? Try treating me like I matter to begin with!! I am sick of being told ‘I’m sorry’. Why are there so many people who have done thngs to me that they have to apologize for? Just!! Stop!! Hurting me!!! I don’t deserve this!!!

I have been hit by men (& I use that term lightly) who claim to have loved me. This same person started out only giving me the time of day when drunk - and apologizing for that in daylight hours. The apologies do not make it all better. It only clears their consciences. I have been cheated on by men who claim to have loved me. Repeatedly. And each sorry (coupled with a denial, work that out!) provoked a second chance from me. I had guys who made my life a living Hell in High school see me out & think they have a chance with me. Thank God I have more self respect than giving those bastards a second chance. But I have been hurt, lead on & had my heart stomped on. Some of these people meant a lot to me, some of them could have done. But they always apologise. And they all want me to forgive them. And they all ask for a second chance. And until now, I gave it to them.

Don't you dare hit 'Send'!!

I get that I like guy things & don’t act like a proper dithering make-up caked girly girl. I get that. But I am so sick of being treated like I don’t have feelings!! I’m sick of being treated like this & then fleeing the scene of the crime only to be hunted down with apologies & requests for second chances. I don’t have any left!!! Leave me alone!!! You want me in your life?? Take a look at me now. If you can’t see that I am an amazing, attractive, sweet & honest girl who is willing to give my everything to someone who deserves it, then get the hell out of my life!! Now!! For the first and only time. No second chances. Not anymore!!! You want me in your life?! Then don’t ever hurt me again because once I am gone, I am gone for good. And apparently if there is a lesson that people before you have learned, "you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone…"

Miss SAMawdsley

xx

Questions:

• Do you give people second chances?
• Have you ever regretted giving a second chance?
• Has giving a second chance ever worked out well for you?