Forget shoving a pea under your mattress. I'm going to teach you how a princess really sleeps. Follow my handy step by step guide and you too can wake up looking like this!
As soon as you get home from work, sit in front of the TV with your laptop on your lap for no discernible reason other than to look down at Twitter every now and again. This also provides a good cover to avoid conversations you don't want to have. "Sorry, I was reading a really important article on a topic relevant to my professional field of interest. What inane crap were you prattling on about?" This is more effective when the person is not standing behind you looking suspiciously at the LOLcat riding an invisible bike on your screen.
10.48pm Finally have a shower. Dance around under the water because your body has now decided it has energy.
11.06pm Emerge from the shower & make it as far as the couch.
11.19pm Realise you are cold. Cue the further realisation that you are sitting on the couch in your wet towel chatting happily to Twitter. Get your dinosaur PJs on.
11.24pm Sit back on the couch with your laptop on your lap.
11.29pm Decide you should go to bed if you have any chance of waking up at a decent hour.
11.30pm Realise the next show on Fox8 is your favourite ever episode of Family Guy. (It always is.) Don't actually watch, just sit in front of the TV tweeting.
11.59pm Tell Twitter you are going to bed.
12.02am Put your wheat pack in the microwave for four minutes. Princesses don't have time for such trivial things as creating their own body heat. Tweet.
12.03am Look at the microwave. Still three minutes to go. Tweet.
12.04am Assume three minutes has now passed. Get impatient. Tweet.
12.05am Get bored and go sit back down on the couch to wait.
12.17am Remember your wheat pack. Find it's not that hot anymore. Put it on for another two minutes. Tweet.
12.19am Put the wheat pack under the covers as you set up the 1951 version of Alice in Wonderland on your Xbox to watch while you fall asleep.
12.20am Crawl into bed and wrap yourself around a wheat pack the size of a computer mouse. Curse every decision you ever made that lead to you sleeping alone. Tweet about it.
12.22am Check Twitter. Join in to a conversation about what the modern day equivalent of a mix tape is.
12.24am Get engrossed in Twitter-flirting with the hot guy from overseas.
12.37am Realise you aren't even watching Alice in Wonderland. Tell Twitter this time you really are going to sleep.
12.38am Turn on the sleep app that is actually a finely tuned, custom made track - a blend of a river, rain, birds, a music box, underwater sounds, something called Duduk and something called Toskana. Dock your iPhone and set the volume for 20.
12.39am Grab Puppy, the stuffed dog you've had since you were three, from under your bedside table and curl up under your quilt. Shiver.
12.46am Suddenly realise that not only are you not asleep, you're somehow on your iPad which was beside you in bed and are now looking at Twitter.
12.47am Assume the correct princess sleeping position. This is difficult to master but if you are a true princess, you will not be able to sleep any other way. For this you need two pillows. Lift the top pillow and lie on the bottom pillow. Curl up on your side. Let the top pillow rest on top of your head to create a gentle weight on your ears. Pull the corner of the top pillow case around your head, covering your eyes like a Zorro mask, but leaving your nose free to breathe. Tuck this pillow case corner under your head to keep the pillow in place. Tuck Puppy under your arm and then pull the quilt right up under your chin. If done correctly, this is what you will look like.
1.01am Look at the clock. Flip over and assume the princess sleeping position but facing the other way.
1.15am Look at the clock. Flip over and assume the princess sleeping position but facing the other way.
1.33am Look at the clock. Flip over and assume the princess sleeping position but facing the other way.
Awake to the sound of "Shine on you crazy diamond" - Pink Floyd. Realise this is your ringtone, not your alarm tone, which is "Nothing at all" - Rob Dougan. Throw the pillow off your head. Look at the phone. It's your boss. Look at the time. It's 9.42am. You're already 42 mins late for work because you forgot to set an alarm. Again. Panic.
Miss SAMawdsley xx
- Do you have any bedtime rituals?